grief and the darknes after

we all hear the old saying life will go on... well.. my father died suddenly almost two years ago.... I remember my mom getting the call at ten o` clock at night. and I remember before she ever hung up the phone... I knew.and I went into what can best be described as shock. as with most deaths... I had to go the next day to make funeral plans. and I have to say this.... the funeral homes take advantage of the fact you are not really able to think...it was surreal... talking about him being dead, and yet, my mind refused the very idea... it was thought it was a very bad dream. as I left, I was trying very hard to be brave for my sixty-five-year-old mother who just lost her husband of nearly forty-five years. when I got home, I went to my room... and all the weight of the fact my best friend has gone hit me.... I cried like a small child... I wanted my father...men are raised to not show their emotions, and we by doing so... put a handicap on them. we are human, we have emotions...my father never showed emotion... even though I knew he loved us. I remember my last words to him the day before....
   after the immediate death, there is always the crowd of well-wishers.... but with my father voice in my head, all I could think was ...why are you here? you did not care about him.... you never visited. and I do not want your pity. so,then comes the ceremonial funeral...... all these people dressed to a tee.... and all the "I am sorry for your loss"...do not get me wrong,some are really sincere... but,there are others who the death means absolutely nothing....as I stood there, looking at what know was my fathers resting place, I wanted to dig my way in there. if my heart could have ...it would have sunk from my body into the eath...
  after the ceremony.. you are alone... no one comes..they may call, or leave messages...but, it is just you in a house that is now for all pratical purposes..haunted.everywhere you look,,, your mind's eye sees them.m y mom cried for months.... I think I stayed in shock for three months.. I did not cry during that time... then, on my birthday... I became a blubbering crybaby... everything sent me to crying so. as i said,they say life will go on..... but,it will never be the same. give yourself time. allow yourself to be human.... and no..grief has no time limit... as my birthday approches... i find a dark cloud gathering around me...and grief is clouding a lot of my judgement....also remeber... you are not alone in grief.